October 2024 | nonfiction
It doesn’t track or alter time, and it’s not a machine. It has no moving parts.
It’s a clear plastic contraption about six inches high with seven plastic disks in pastel colors. Each disk is labeled with a day of the week and has an a.m. and a p.m. side, marked with sun and moon respectively.
It’s a pill holder for my prescription meds and supplements.
Once a week I line the disks up on my kitchen table and snap them open. I take the pill bottles out of the cupboard and, one at a time, shake out my week’s supply and deposit them in the correct slots. I snap them shut and insert them back into their holder, ready for the next week.
I used to keep a cobalt blue ceramic bowl on the table in which I dumped random quantities of each pill. Every morning and evening I’d pick out what I needed to take at that time. It worked fine—the pills were handy, and I rarely forgot to take them. I’d add more as they ran low. I’d never have bought a special gizmo to hold my pills—it was a free perk through my health insurance plan.
I’m aware of the passage of time when I turn calendar pages—September already, summer’s over—and on my October birthday: Whoosh, there goes another one. I see the signs when I look in the mirror, when my race pace gets a little slower on each 10K, when my daughter is suddenly middle-aged. We all recall how time seemed to drag torturously when we were kids—would school never end? Would Christmas ever come? And then how it started to rocket by, faster and faster, as we got older. But that’s to be expected—we live with it, laugh it off. C’est la vie.
But now. Once a week. Every week. I consider the seven empty disks. And I think, no, it can’t be. Another week already? Didn’t I just fill them the other day? Where has the time gone?
“I have measured out my life in coffee spoons.” T.S. Eliot’s Prufrock was ruminating on the passage of time and the meaning of life.
I could re-employ the blue bowl. Toss the pill holder in the recycling bin. Or repurpose the disks—store paper clips, safety pins, thumb tacks. But there’s no going back. I’ll still hear the days ticking away. I’m measuring out my life seven pills at a time.
Alice Lowe
Alice Lowe’s flash nonfiction has been published this past year in Tangled Locks, Bridge VIII, Skipjack Review, Change Seven, Bluebird Word, Eunoia, and MORIA. She has been twice cited in Best American Essays. Alice writes about life, literature, food, and family in San Diego, California. Read and reach her at www.aliceloweblogs.wordpress.com.
October 2024 | poetry
In response to Hieronymus Bosch’s The Seven Deadly Sins and the Four Last Things.
If William Tell’s arrow missed
and the child was struck almost clear through the head,
his hat would look like the one on this wall,
crown pierced instead of the apple.
Take that most primal of fruits.
Wedge it into a slaughtered pig’s open mouth.
The cauldron is laughingly small, but somehow a full feast
is laid out—plump chickens, chowder bowls to the brim,
the largest drumstick you can imagine,
and a cavernous jug of wine upturned for one long gulp.
Drink it all down. How could you be blamed
for wanting it now, apt as this world
is to launch arrows at your head,
a mere blink between the quick and dead.
Jennifer LeBlanc
Jennifer LeBlanc earned an MFA in Creative Writing from Lesley University. Her first full-length book, Descent, was published by Finishing Line Press (2020) and was named a Distinguished Favorite in Poetry (2021) by the Independent Press Award. Individual poems have been published or are forthcoming in Consequence, Solstice, Nixes Mate Review, Thimble Literary Magazine, and J Journal. Jennifer is a poetry reader for Kitchen Table Quarterly. She was nominated for a 2013 Pushcart Prize and works at Harvard University.
October 2024 | fiction
The thing about meditating with other mental patients is that they are mental patients. Yeah, you’re a patient too, but I get it, they’re annoying.
The woman beside you sucks on a baby pacifier.
Helpful Tip: Breathe in and out at the same rate as she sucks.
Your group counselor says, “Now think of a conveyor belt and put your thoughts into boxes that go down it….”
You breathe in and out and wonder where do the boxes go? Do they spill onto the linoleum floor?
Helpful Tip: Distract yourself by squinting at the pacifier woman, commend yourself for not needing one to suck on. Do not ponder that this is a very low bar. Instead, imagine the conveyor belt turning and turning….
Do not think of your thoughts strewn across the linoleum floor like limpid half-dead octopi or like spilled magnetic refrigerator word tiles. I see you open your eyes. The man sucking his thumb stares at you. There are bars on the windows reminding you, reminding all of us, that we’re in a mental institution. A nice one, but still people try to escape. The weird man stares at you; he has a Calvin and Hobbes tattoo on his neck.
The therapist says, “Now imagine boats going down river, and put your thoughts into each boat….”
Oh, Jesus, what kind of boats? Rowboats? Tankers? Skiffs?
The woman smacks on her pacifier. Smack, smack, smack.
Put your thoughts on a damn boat, any kind of boat will do.
Dig down deep, Patient 89. Remember the story you told us in group, how you were on a real boat a month ago; this was back when everyone thought you were okay. You’d straddled a gunnel, one leg in the Dominican ocean. You’d breathed in and out, fishing line cast until the mate hurled you into the boat because he saw a water snake—beautiful, many colored— so venomous it could have killed you in fifteen seconds. It hadn’t seemed such a bad fate to you. The sky was a perfect blue, your tears made no sense. At least that’s how you described yourself on that boat that afternoon.
Breathe in and out, Patient 89. Soon they’ll give you a capsule, a sip of water. Patient 89, you’re no different than the pacifier woman, the Calvin and Hobbes man, than me. Your brain can’t be trusted any longer, so breathe in, breathe out… And know that I’m watching your every move.
Signed,
Patient 52
Laurie Lindop
Laurie Lindop holds an MFA in Writing and Literature from Bennington College. She has published nine non-fiction books with Lerner and Simon and Schuster. Her short fiction has been published by Redbook Magazine, Tupelo Quarterly, The Beloit Fiction Journal, and elsewhere.
October 2024 | poetry
Bombed apartments lie open,
windows shattered, spears of
jagged glass, broken teeth
biting into vacancy.
Torn net curtains flap,
wave, signalling into emptiness.
No neighbours to spy on
No secrets to conceal.
In flattened playgrounds
twisted slides, slaughtered serpents,
still emblazoned in blue and yellow.
Swings sway in the freezing wind;
the haunting cry is heard
of dead children’s voices.
In ruined shopping malls
corpses clutch in frozen fingers,
plastic bags of untouched bread.
Cratered roads leave villages
names on maps, virtual destinations,
no more reachable than
Shangri-La or Camelot.
Stray dogs ravage the dead
Loose horses graze
in someone’s garden.
In a bombed-out cottage
an old woman cooks potatoes.
Behind her, two flower-papered walls,
half a cupboard, a china elephant,
the remnants of her bedroom, shown
on the evening news in Paris, New York, Delhi.
The village classroom,
a tangled mess of broken desks,
a single shoe, an open book,
a child’s sketch of a burning tank.
A boy crossing a pock-marked road,
automatically looks for traffic.
A ghostly line of phantom waggons
passes the unburied dead.
Stuck in muddy ditches, tank guns
point skywards at the rising moon.
A bomb explodes, a flash of red,
the dreadful beauty of instant flames.
In London, Washington, Moscow, Beijing,
they roll the dice, again.
Sarah Das Gupta
Sarah Das Gupta is an 82-year-old writer from Cambridge, UK, who has been writing since last year when an accident left her with very limited mobility. Her work has been published in many magazines and anthologies in over 25 countries, from New Zealand to Kazakhstan. This year, she has been nominated for Best of the Net and a Dwarf Star Award.
October 2024 | poetry
FRAMED
…for my father
To love a person with Alzheimer’s is to learn the song
in their heart and sing it to them when they have forgotten.
– Arne Garborg
He spent years in the basement
at war against forgetting.
Scissors and tape were his weapons,
the conflict relentless,
his ability to recall
anything was vanishing.
He cut up hundreds of old photos,
following the lead of his demolished brain.
Anything he believed excess
he cut from the photo-
trees, cars, houses, the sky.
It was the people he was holding on to.
Like the cat pushing his whiskers into
the corners of walls,
my father rubbed against
the corners of his longing,
leaving a vague imprint of his losses,
the stain of the past he was trying to marshal.
Memories he was
not even aware were lost,
had been swept away.
The chosen were taped
somewhere into a cheap frame
he’d buy at the drug store across the street,
until he could no longer remember where it was.
If someone struck a match
in the trashed warehouse of his brain,
that person was cut from a photo
and taped into his new dwelling-
The Frame of the Familiar.
Everyone overlapped-
the newborn, the aged, the dead,
the teens, the young adults…
it made no difference
whether they had known one another or not,
as long as he thought
he might have known them from somewhere,
from some time now omitted.
To finish, he’d find a photo of himself,
the one person he was still sure he knew.
He’d hunt for a place
to tape himself
in this new world, part color,
part black and white, part sepia.
There were giant people, tiny people,
torn people, faded and stained people,
in this multi-colored person-scape
comprising only those folks
he “sort of” “seemed” to recognize,
even MLK, RFK, JFK, Anita Bryant
made it into a frame.
When a frame was completed
he would take it out to his knotty pine porch,
its walls covered with frames,
grab his Black &. Decker
and drill straight through the frame
and into the wall.
Done.
Onto the next.
He had discovered a way to resurrect
some inner joy,
but the imperative was
to tape securely
lest someone get separated
and forget their way back.
He tamed the rough, curled edges
of the old photos with Scotch-tape,
and brought generations together,
a congregation of the living
alongside their ghost kin,
a population of his own design
of faces remembered,
or faces
he thought he remembered.
John L. Stanizzi
John L. Stanizzi is the author of Ecstasy Among Ghosts, Sleepwalking, Dance Against the Wall, After the Bell, Hallelujah Time!, High Tide – Ebb Tide, Four Bits, Chants, Sundowning, POND, The Tree That Lights The Way Home, Feathers and Bones. Viper Brain, and SEE. John’s work has been widely published. Johnnie’s poems can be found in Rattle, Prairie Schooner, Plainsong, The Cortland Review, American Life in Poetry, The New York Quarterly, Paterson Literary Review, Tar River Review, PoetLore, Potomac Review, and many others. His creative nonfiction has been published in Literature and Belief, Stone Coast Review, Ovunque Siamo, East Coast, After the Pause, Adelaide, Impspired, and many others. His poems have appeared widely in Italy with profound gratitude to his translator, and dear friend, Angela D’ambra. John has read at venues all over New England, including the Mystic Arts Café, the Sunken Garden Poetry Festival, Hartford Stage, and many others. He also coordinated the Fresh Voices Poetry Competition for Young Poets at Hill-Stead Museum, Farmington, Connecticut. A “teaching artist” for the national poetry recitation contest, Poetry Out Loud, John spent a decade with Poetry Out Loud. He is a former Wesleyan University Etherington Scholar, a New England Poet of the Year, and Poet-in-Residence at Manchester Community College and in the Middletown Connecticut School District. In 2021, John was the recipient of a Fellowship in Creative Writing – Non-Fiction, granted to him by the Connecticut Office of the Arts, Culture, and Diversity for work on his new memoir, Bless Me, Father, for I Have Sinned. His short CNF piece Pants was named by its publisher, Potato Soup Journal, “Best of 2022.” John taught literature at Manchester Community College in Manchester, Connecticut, for 26 years. He taught high school English and directed the theater program at Bacon Academy in Colchester, CT. for 24 years; Johnnie put up 42 plays in 24 years. Johnnie lives with his wife, Carol, in Coventry, CT.
