My New Exercise Bike
Herman is going to restore the vigor of my youth. Herman is going to prevent me from traipsing through the discount store when I am bored. Herman is going to remind me why God created hip-hop music. Herman is going to lend purpose to my soles. Herman is going to memorize my cat tattoo. Herman is going to become a shaman specializing in blood glucose. Herman is going to grant absolution if I miss a morning. Herman is going to do hand-to-hand combat with anxiety. Herman is going to sing Rod Stewart’s “Hot Legs” to keep me motivated. Herman is going to acquire decals of cats in spacecraft. Herman is going to learn the feel of God’s hands over my hands on the handlebars. Herman is going to be a secret for twenty-one days, the gestation for a habit. Herman is going to find out whether I can keep faith with Herman. Herman is not going to tell anyone that I get out of breath on speed #3, “moderate.” Herman is never going to experience speed #7, “vigorous.” Herman is going to smell like Lemon Cupcake hand soap. Herman is going to mesmerize my cat. Herman is going to inspire me to name a future cat “Flywheel.” Herman is going to hear hymns and Creedence Clearwater Revival. Herman is going to provoke the purchase of jaunty sweatpants. Herman is going to learn the names of all the West Wing characters. Herman is going to merit a five-star review urging others to obtain Hermans. Herman is going to celebrate day twenty-one with a congratulatory pat on my buttocks. Herman is going to hear me shriek, “was that you, Herman?” Herman is not going back to the Herman factory, even though returns are free.
Angela Townsend
Angela Townsend is in her eighteenth year of working at a cat sanctuary, where she gets to bear witness to mercy for all beings. This was not the exact path she expected after divinity school, but love is a wry author of lives. She is a five-time Pushcart Prize nominee and the 2024 winner of West Trade Review’s 704 Prize for Flash Fiction. Her work appears or is forthcoming in Arts & Letters, Blackbird, Five Points, Indiana Review, The Iowa Review, Pleiades, and SmokeLong Quarterly, among others. She graduated from Princeton Theological Seminary and Vassar College. Her poet mother is her best friend.
